Communication

Hey Baby! Just the same as I am now communicating with you, you have begun communicating with me. You don't like scary movies and you do love Dueling Pianos. You must love being warm, because you have stolen all of my heat and you really like lefse... or I really like lefse and am using you as my excuse to eat more already; regardless, thank you.

This much I know about you. We were watching Hunger Games (the final installment) which is a series of books turned into action movies featuring the amazing J. Law. Anyway, monsters start attacking her crew and I was terrified - full on knees to chest, squeezing your dad. You kicked me three times to let me know I was passing too much adrenaline on to you. No more [not intended to be] scary movies! But maybe your kicking communication is positive because we were at my work Christmas party last night at the Grand in Northfield listening to the very entertaining Deuces Wild. We sang and danced and sang. During one song, wish I could remember what, you gave out one solid punch. It was fun to know you were there with us. Keep up the communication, sweet child!

In other news, you are showing your growth via my belly. Today is my first day in maternity pants and oh are they good - they way they are snuggling around you, keeping you warm, I may never take them off.

Happy 18 weeks and 6 days, dearest baby!

Better to Know and Feel You

Sweet child,

So much is happening/changing in your world and ours right now. You mamma got a new job with a company that I hope to be with for a majority of your life :) That was a bit stressful, as getting pregnant with you, not knowing if I would have insurance was nerve racking; however, we did our best to keep the negativity from you, and thank goodness - it all worked out! You will see, it always works out, my sweet child.

We have also made the announcement to all of our nearest and dearest outside of family, your step-in aunts and uncles. Most are filled with questions, "Will you find out? Do you have names picked out? Does Saydee know you're pregnant? Are your parents thrilled?" To which we answer that we will not find out; we have a boy and a girl's name, but won't share; Saydee has no idea, but I can't wait to see her protect you; and our parents are beyond thrilled! Your grandma Johnson couldn't help but share with our servers when we were out to eat that she was going to be a grandma.

In other news, your room is coming together quite swimmingly. What was once my closet, will now only house my hanging clothes. This weekend we scraped, mudded, sanded, trimmed and primed. This week will bring painting of the actual room. It will be fun to see it all come together. As I was priming the closet, I said to your father, "this is where our child will first pee on you!" It's a blast to think about having you in person and all the silly things you will do.

Last bit of news, I can feel you! Well, not you you, but your protective layer anyway. When I lean against the counter to do dishes, or makeup, or anything really, I can feel the placenta push back into my other organs. Your dad noticed over lunch that my pelvis area is protruding more than normal or at all. I think it has begun - the part that you are big enough to take notice of!!! There are so many hands that can't wait to rub all over you, your dad being number one.

Announcements

Since hearing your heart beat (the neatest thing my ears have ever processed) and sharing the news with our parents, we have also been able to tell an entire wedding of our friends (Sam & Tiff's wed), as well as some of our brothers.

The tie for the best reaction is between Jackie and Steve Rasmusson and your uncle Kevin. Jackie and Steve hugged and screamed and hugged again seven plus more times. There were tears and more hugs! It's the most fun to tell people who have not witnessed your mother not drinking wine; therefore, known something was up. Your uncle Kevin, who you may have noticed travels less to the sentimental side than your other bros, he said, "when I meet that little baby, my heart will explode!" and I'm sure it will, as it will with all of your other uncles, grandparents, friends.

What do you want to be called?

… chimed my mother as she hugged my mother in law.

We waited ten difficult weeks to share your existence with our parents. The thought of sharing earlier and you not being there, we thought may crush them nearly to the extent it would have crushed us.

Apparently they “all knew” and it was “so obvious”. You see, Zygote, your mom enjoys red wine very much so, and for two months I was not partaking in one of my favorite past times… I guess it was pretty obvious.

Anyway, we had to share right away as there was company coming later that we didn’t want to dilute the brevity of our news. I made the quick announcement, there were some tears, but mostly hugs on hugs on hugs all night long.

I am so looking forward to all the talks to be had with your grandparents over your arrival, to you growing and my stomach stretching, to all the changes that are to come for both of us.

I’m so grateful to be your mother. Thank you for giving me this opportunity, my life long dream. There are four other people in this world now that will love you beyond a love I can conceive, a love they already know because they have been parents, yet a new love I imagine, the love a grandparent has for their grandchild.

Great, you got me crying at work again. One of these days, we’ll get a computer that works at home, and I won’t be messaging you all the live long day.

Like a Hummingbird

Yesterday was the day I had been waiting for since those lovely two lines showed my hormone levels two months ago. Being terrified that something had happened to you, or that my body was just making up this pregnancy, I wasn't sure if you were really in there… until yesterday.

Your father and I met with our nurse-midwife, Amy. It was a great appointment filled with questions and giddy laughter. My two months of nerves were quickly eased by the high-tech stethoscope that could detect you way down in there. It was a speedy 165bpm. Erik said you sounded like a hummingbird (**female name). I just loved hearing yours on top of my pokey beat. You are so small, and your tiny heart is working so hard. It makes me want to give you every advantage possible! 

Thank you for being in there, for making such progress (you’re a kumquat at 10.5 weeks), and for already filling me with so much joy and love. I can wait to meet you, I can wait for you to incubate to your full potential. 

Baby Friends from the Beginning

Hey there baby Zygote of ours!

How’s it going in there? I hear that you’re starting to get hands, their like the size of most my freckles, but that’s still pretty mind-blowing!

I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in this world, like really really not alone. You will always have your dad and I, your grandparents, uncles (aunts eventually), and friends - my friends and your friends.

Today, one of my nearest and dearest alerted me that she is also with zygote! M zygote will be just about a month behind you. N zygote will be a month and a half before you, and G zygote is almost here, so about 8 months before you. And who knows which of my friends will surprise us with the same, most delightful news in the near future.

Moral of the story is, you are already surrounded by love, in places you won’t know for a long time. I wish that when you are my age, you have great friends (that is my top 3 grandest wish for you) that are in similar stages of life. It’s so fun to share boyfriends/girlfriends, engagements, weddings and babies with your people. I wish you this joy. It is soul-filling.

(less than two weeks till I hear your heartbeat and I am WISHING time away more quickly than ever before)

Kahlil Gibran On Children

Your children are not your children.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

- Gibran 

Craversions

Zyg, you’ve put me in quite the pickle (food pun intended). On one hand, I want to feed you all the best lentils, kimchi and veggies; on the otherhand, you want none of it - all you want are sweets/all I want are sweets!

The aversions (as are far more apparent than cravings) began yesterday. Your father had taken everything (apples) with him to the BWCA. I had prepared all sorts of healthy, savory foods for the week, most of which will just sit in the fridge.

This left me with raspberries and ice cream to eat. When life gives you raspberries and ice cream, you make a fruit shake! It was delicious, and naughty and provided none of the support I want to give you.

Today was a little better - aussie bites, tomatoes, red peppers and lentils. It’s not easy to meal prep for you when I don’t know what you will crave at the next turn. My only goal, get enough nutrition in you to get you to the nine month hurdle. Wish me luck/start craving veggies please!

Regardless of the goofiness that you already possess, I appreciate your presence. I love the aversions. I love the burps, the unquenchable thirst, how you’ve thrown my emotions and my PH for a whirl. I love them, because it tells me you are here/there/still needy. Please don’t stop needing my nutrients until after Mother’s Day (due date) or shortly before ;)

Your First Flight

Dear Zygote,

This weekend you went on an epic adventure to Nashville, Tennessee - your first and only flight. Your dad and I agreed that we much preferred you inside my belly to outside during the actual commuting. We highly doubt you will be doing much sky hopping with us for the first MANY years.

We had a blast surprising our buddy, Matt Murphy for his 30th birthday. Melissa went to all lengths to make is such a special weekend for he and us. We went boating (I drove the van out there and the boat on the lake), to a music fest, honkeytonks, and to the biggest best southern family style meal ever! You. Ate. Well!

Basically, I wanted you to know that you were on a flight with us, we had a blast, and your auntie and uncles (Matt, Mel, Linds & Mike) are beyond stoked to meet you. They could not stop raving!

Our Best Summer Yet?

Your father and I have been together over three years, four summers. It all started in the summer of 2012 - I had just moved back from Texas after a recent break up and Erik was going through a life changing reformation/realization of who he wanted to be and what he wanted to put out in the world (good timing, I might add). We were inseparable (minus the Oregon mishap) from the beginning. I heard Dylan (your father’s best friend, the man that married us) call the first 24 hours as Erik’s best. I would have to agree. I was unemployed at the time, so spent every moment at the boys’ house, boating, tubing, playing constantly. You’d think that was our best summer.

The following year began with an engagement - literally on the day that we met, June 1st, 2013. I once asked him after we knew we were ‘it’ for each other when he would propose. His answer, I will never forget, “four seasons”. I took that as the different seasons a relationship went through, different stages of growth. Nope, he meant quite literally 365 days. We spent that summer in sheer bliss that we had found one another, celebrating, and planning our dream day.

That day came June 21st, 2014 - the longest day of the year, summer solstice. It was more than dreams could paint. I still can’t believe that I found your father, that he has committed himself to me and that I get to share the rest of my life with my best friend. I hope one day you too get to share the same joy. That summer was more celebrating - from bachelorette parties, showers, etc.

One year later we are still slaying our summers. Perhaps it’s that we’re Minnesotans, the greatest lovers of summer known to man. It’s certainly that we’re aware you have three months of gorgeous sun to squeeze all your favorite activities in, so squeeze we did. When there was still snow on our ground, I began booking our weekends.

I’ve decided to document this [once again] epic summer, as I never want to forget how much fun we have had. Every parent keeps reminding us, do everything you want to now, once you have a baby, the activities change, sometimes halt altogether. The awesome parents, the ones that continue to live their lives remind us that life changes, but for the better. I am going into this with that mindset. I hope to incorporate you in our activities, to see things through your pure eyes.

Nevertheless, if my hope is pure ignorance, I want this as a record:

(already having forgotten what started the summer - May and the missing weekends which were definitely filled with something)

6/5 - BWCA - too far, brought Saydee, she got eaten, too much food, bugs had popped (Owen, Mike, Tyler, Pat, Erik, Myself)

6/19 - Anniversary weekend in Lanesboro - copper mugs, tubing, biking, bugs, father’s day at Johnson’s (whole fam)

7/3 - Fourth of July in Rochester with Jared and Heather @ Chester Woods and parents, Milwaukee (Candice and Adam), Summerfest, fireworks, brunch, Wisconsin Dells (just the two of us)

7/11 - Claire’s bachelorette party (E at Mike’s cabin) in the cities, dinner at Bario, dancing at Honey, beach, Kevin drove, gay brunch club, drinking, round sprinkler in Claire’s yard

7/17 - Thursdays on First and Legends with the crew,

7/18 - Chelsie’s cabin, paddleboard surfing behind pantoon, beersbee

7/19 - Saints game, peanut eating contest (Erik and I in front of stadium)

7/22 - Eugene, OR with Dylan and Ellen and Nicole, new dog, Kublai, hikes, hot springs, bee stings, waterfalls, best tapas restaurant for Dyl’s birthday, pizza, Mexican, the trimmed view, beach in Wilderness

7/31 - Dan & Erica’s wedding with Dylan and Ellen in hotel, pinstripes, summit, wedding, pool party

8/7 - Devon and Taylor visited, parents, tubing, hiking, Thursdays

8/14 - Emma Heim’s wedding with Jen Heim and new husband time, Billy White

8/15 - tubing for Laura’s bachelorette with Jenna and boys, then out that night

8/16 - parents anniversary, Rob and Claire at TapHouse, then concert by Riverside

8/20 - began Rob and Claire’s wedding festivities, lunch, drinks, rehearsal din, drinks, hair, hotel, wedding

8/21 - Lake day in Prior with Christie’s fam before she left for Hawaii

8/28 - the first weekend Erik and I had to ourselves, so went camping for two nights in Minneopa, pizza and beer, hiking, fishing on shore, frogs, future buffalo, brunch at Rapidan Dam

9/4 - found out I was pregnant with you!!!

9/5 - had to tell Nicole I was pregnant with you bc we were boating together all day for the tie up (Erik at Sam’s bach), began building shed

9/11 - celebrate Bri’s birthday at Rob and Claire’s, paint shed panels all day, first girls soccer game, Rasmusson’s, mom and dad’s (trying to avoid drinking at every turn).

Thus catches us up, though the epic summer is not yet over. This coming weekend we are going to Nashville with Mike and Lindsey to celebrate Matt’s 30th birthday (Mel being the gracious host). Erik leaves two days after we get back for a five day BWCA trip with Mike. I have more soccer, plan to play catchup, and avoid telling people I’m pregnant, maybe paint your nursery. Grandma will visit the following weekend. Matt comes home. We get to see if you’re healthy and have a heartbeat (which all my nerves are pending on), then we celebrate (hopefully). Sam and Tiff get married. Becca and Tim get married. Dan and Erica have a Halloween Open House Party. And that is the end of October which definitely is not summer anymore.

In summary, your dad and I have done everything we have wanted to do besides a honeymoon and that is pending my stupid job. Even if we hadn’t done what we wanted to do, you are what we want to do. Please please please be a survivor so that I might hear your shrill cry. I want to meet you more than I have wanted anything in my entire life. Do it for me ;)

One Week of Knowing - Week 6

Sweet child of ours, it’s been one week since I learned of your existence, one week since I peed on a stick and told Erik of the thrilling news. I had him meet me in the school park where we play ball with our only semblance of a child, Saydee. This is the school that you will someday go to.

So many feelings, thoughts, hopes and fears have raced through my head this week, beginning with your survival. You are now six weeks old (calculated very bizarrely in my opinion), barely a sesame seed. It’s a special time in that we don’t get to shout it to the world that you are with us. We have to wait till our ten week appointment to make sure you have a heartbeat. At that point we will be secure enough sharing with the world.

I am most excited to tell my parents, your “nana and papa” or “magi and pagi” or whatever beautiful name stumbles off your tongue when you are big enough to speak. Grandma and Grandpa are in their sixties, happily (emphasis on HAPPY) enjoying retirement, free-time and doing whatever they feel like doing whenever they feel like doing it. I sense they are in a period where they want to do something else, go somewhere else, but you my dear, may stop them dead in their tracks. Or you may not and we would just have to visit them J I can only imagine, and hopefully one day, I might have the pleasure of knowing through you, that the greatest reward a child can give you is a grandchild. I cannot fathom the love your grandparents will have for you; just the same as I cannot fathom the love I will have for you. My heart is already bursting!

Your dad’s parents, though he should speak for them, will be beyond elated. Grandma Johnson will spoil you. Know that now, well, you’ll experience that soon enough. I wonder if Grandpa Johnson will cry. He has such a soft heart.

My mind is already racing to the finish line, pushing you out of me, pulling you on to my chest, hearing your shrill alive cry. Speaking of crying… the thought has me in tears already.

This is just the first post. Many more to come as my mind races on the daily, nightly… constantly. Please survive, my strong child. I need to meet you.